Sorting through the Feelings

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 One morning. One glorious morning, I woke up. I have this feeling someone did something to really piss me off so I decided I'm going to piss them the fuck off... By writing!

How does this piss anyone off? It doesn't but I enjoy it so my joy is what pisses them off. Mwuhahahaha! Okay, well, you shouldn't just write to spite people but because you enjoy it. It can be A reason but not the main reason. 

I will talk about this for a moment though because it still weighs heavily on my mind from time to time and maybe addressing it will help.

I released some of my anger a long time ago about how people tried to suck the joy of creativity and writing from me. As a youngun, I really didn't have the knowledge and wisdom I do today. That's important to note because I felt like people were trying to take the stories I'm pumping out and just twisting them into something they never were meant to be. It can make anyone feel so angry and bitter. When my usefulness ran out and I pushed to the side, I sat with it. I sat in my soiled diaper for a long time to let this rash fester (beautiful description, really). That's when I made the call one day to actually write.

They tried to take that joy and I've decided to continue to use the characters they've changed. Now, I did change this character because I know my younger self would love me to take the concepts they made me stray away from to actually build on the concepts I've originally wanted. Not only that but she was restructured from the foundation up. The very cores were broken but it's about time to build her up to my standards again. 

There's still some concepts from the old I did want to toy around and since I have no intention on profiting, I've decided to make it its own thing. Its own project. I don't want to write with it right now. I just want the new right now. I got to keep swimming for me. 

It's truly all I could do. 

Meanwhile, I need to figure out a good starting point because I'd like to get the ball rolling on the first chapter. I mean, I don't need to do things in order but just... Just doing a first chapter would make me happy. Just to reclaim something. Just to feel peace again with what I'm doing. 

Just hold my hand...

I dunno. I just needed to really write this somewhere and pray someone gets where I'm coming from. I'll be okay. I just need to push through it or something.

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